You ever Google “how to sleep better” at 2am… while lying in bed not sleeping? Yeah, that was me for like, years. The irony wasn’t lost on me. I’d be scrolling articles about night routines, blue light, chamomile tea… all while blasting TikTok at full brightness two inches from my face. So much for “better sleep.”
But here’s the thing: I got sick of waking up every morning feeling like I’d been hit by a bus (a bus that ran late, honked too much, and spilled coffee on me). Eventually, I pieced together some night routines that actually helped me pass out before 1am. And not just pass out like college-freshman-after-a-party pass out. I mean real, solid, adult-level better sleep where you wake up and go, “Whoa. Is this how humans are supposed to feel?”
So, yeah. This isn’t some perfect Pinterest-girl routine. This is the messy, very-human list of things that finally made me stop fighting with my pillow at night.
1. The “No More Scrolling” Rule (aka, Put Your Phone Down, Genius)
I hate this one. I hate it because I love my phone. The endless reels of raccoons stealing cat food? The guy who reviews hotel minibars like they’re Michelin restaurants? Pure serotonin. But nothing wrecked my sleep more than doomscrolling right before bed.
So I made a rule: no screens an hour before bed. And do I stick to it perfectly? Ha. No. Last week I fell asleep with my AirPods in after watching a two-hour video essay about Shrek. But when I do stick to it, I swear my brain actually chills out.
Instead, I’ll grab a book (okay, sometimes it’s a cookbook I never actually cook from). Or I doodle. Or I just… stare at the ceiling like an old-timey Victorian ghost. Weirdly effective.
2. The Ritual of Weird Drinks
Chamomile tea, sure. But have you tried warm oat milk with honey? Sounds gross. Looks gross. But it’s like liquid Xanax. I don’t even know if it’s scientifically legit or just placebo magic, but after sipping it, my eyelids get heavy.
Also, here’s a tip: pick a “night drink” you only ever drink at night. It tricks your brain into knowing it’s bedtime. My friend swears by tart cherry juice. Another buddy goes full grandma mode with golden milk (turmeric + milk + pepper… yeah).
The ritual is the point. It’s not even about the drink—it’s about slowing down enough to make it.
3. Pajamas Actually Matter (Apparently)
I used to sleep in old college T-shirts that should’ve been burned years ago. (You ever wake up with a crunchy sleeve of dried toothpaste because you “wiped your mouth” in your sleep? Just me?)
But I bought real pajamas. Like, the soft kind that look like something your grandma would give you for Christmas. And, oh my god. Total game changer. The moment I put them on, my brain goes, “Okay, time to hibernate.”
It’s like bedtime cosplay. I dress up as Someone Who Has Their Life Together, and weirdly, it works.
4. The “Brain Dump” Journal (aka, Stop Thinking About That Text You Sent in 2014)
If I had a dollar for every time I couldn’t sleep because my brain decided bedtime was the moment to rehash an awkward conversation from middle school… I’d have enough to buy an actual sleep clinic.
Now I keep a notebook next to my bed. Before lights out, I scribble down everything rattling around in my head. Grocery list. The thing I forgot to email. That random idea for a podcast I’ll never start. Boom, gone.
Half the time, what I write looks like cryptic nonsense. (“Bananas?? but only small ones??”) But it works. My brain shuts up.
5. The Stretch-and-Sigh Routine
Okay, this one feels silly but stay with me. I started doing these gentle stretches—like the kind your 7th grade gym teacher made you do before running laps. Ten minutes, nothing fancy. Touch your toes. Roll your shoulders. Yawn dramatically.
It’s like telling your body, “Hey pal, we’re done with the day now.” And my muscles? They stop buzzing like overworked power lines. I don’t even call it yoga because that makes me feel like I need a $90 mat and incense. It’s just… moving my limbs before collapsing.
6. The Bedroom Glow-Up
I resisted this for a long time. Thought it was unnecessary. But changing up my room—lighting, sheets, vibe—made me fall asleep so much faster.
Fairy lights? Judge me if you want, but they’re soothing. Fresh sheets? Suddenly I’m in a five-star hotel. Blackout curtains? Honestly, best $30 I’ve ever spent.
And here’s the big one: I got rid of clutter. My bedroom used to look like a Target clearance section exploded. Now, I keep it boring. Boring is good. My brain finally chills instead of scanning piles of laundry like it’s crime scene evidence.
7. The Consistency Trick (Yes, the Boring One)
This one annoys me. I wanted the secret hack. The magic supplement. The perfect playlist. Nope. The best thing I did was just… go to bed at the same time. Every night. Like a toddler with a strict bedtime.
When I first tried it, I felt lame. “Sorry, can’t hang out, it’s my bedtime.” Who says that as an adult? But when I stuck with it—wow. My body started shutting down on cue. No more tossing and turning until 2am. It’s like training a dog. Only the dog is your circadian rhythm.
Bonus Routine: Forgiving Myself When I Screw Up
Because here’s the truth—I don’t always follow these perfectly. Some nights I’m still watching reruns of The Office at midnight, covered in popcorn, writing angry drafts of texts I’ll never send.
But better sleep isn’t about perfection. It’s about giving yourself enough little signals—phone down, pajama on, brain dump done—that your body eventually gets the hint.
Real Talk
If you’re sitting here reading this while also avoiding sleep… I get it. Insomnia brain is a tricky monster. But maybe pick one of these night routines tonight. Just one. Don’t overthink it. Try it for a week.
